Following the exciting news that X-COM and possibly Silent Hill are to be ‘re-imagined’ as first-person shooters, the gaming industry announced today that every game ever will be remade as an FPS.
Speaking exclusively to Terminal Gamer, EA’s Head of Marketing, Chet Bandersnatch, said: “We’re delighted to bring gamers the opportunity to resample the delights of older games in the form of the only gaming genre they seem capable of understanding – the first-person shooter. Take a look at the Xbox 360 or PS3 charts nowadays, and you’ll see that they’re completely dominated by FPS’ – so if that’s what the global gaming community wants, that’s what it’s gonna get. Currently, we’re in the process of remaking FIFA 96 in the form of a gritty urban shooter set in Afghanistan.”
Ruby Lube of Ubisoft expressed a similar sentiment: “The FPS is obviously winning the war of the gaming genres, and if this growth continues, we predict that by 2017 every single game released will be a first-person shooter. We’re planning to get ahead of the curve by ensuring that every game we release from now on will be an FPS, regardless of how wildly inappropriate this is for the content of the game. We’d like to assure our investors that we will do our utmost to milk this cash cow until her teats fall off.”
So what can gamers look forward to over the next few months? Here’s a preview of a few golden oldies that are set to get the FPS treatment:
Lemmings 3: The Revenge
Those lovable green-haired lemmings are back, and this time it’s personal! Take control of a crack squad of battle-hardened lemming marines as you seek to overthrow the military might of the evil weasel empire. The 2D landscapes of the original have been wonderfully re-imagined as a gritty urban shooter set in Afghanistan, and there’ll be no shortage of small-furry-animal carnage as you plow through the enemy with all new lemming classes, including ‘Flamethrower Lemming’ and ‘Apache Gunship Lemming’. And of course, just like in the original, if it all goes wrong you can turn your entire squad into maniacal suicide bombers. Oh no!
Tetris: Tetrageddon
The Russian puzzler is back, but this time all is not well in the land of the Cossacks. The Russian mafia king Dimitri Tetradon has been smuggling illegal firearms inside Tetrads, and it’s your job stop him in this abstract shooter! Break open Tetris blocks packed to the gunwales with AK-47s and RPGs, then turn them against the ranked forces of the Russian mafia. Gritty urban shooter set quite near to Afghanistan.
Pokémon Blood Red/Napalm Yellow
The Pokémon franchise evolves to a new level of mayhem as you tear through the gritty urban streets of war-torn Afghanistan in this no-nonsense shooter. Take on the might of the evil Team Rocket communists with your squad of beefed-up Pokébuddies, who now have the ability to evolve rocket launchers and submachine guns as arms and legs. Watch in dumbfounded horror as Squirtle ‘does a Private Pyle’, gunning down Sergeant Pikachu before turning the gun on himself. Rated 18.
Pong: Balls Out For Glory
Gritty urban shooter, Afghanistan, blah, blah, blah…
